I had the nightmare again last night. I really wish they would stop...After four years I kinda know the ending. I don't know why I have them, everybody either tells me it's completely natural, or I need to see a specialist. I don't feel either is right. I suppose it's good that I'm not having them as often anymore, just once every few months.Maybe it's guilt? I feel like it's my fault which is really stupid because I don't think what I did, or rather what I didn't do, was wrong. It would have happened anyway, I know that. I don't think what she did was wrong. But I feel like other people still blame me for it. I hate that, I feel responsible.
And then there are people who say she was so wrong and should have never put me through it, but it was partly my choice, wasn't it? I could have walked away if I wanted to, but I didn't, I wanted to stay there while it happened...There's so much more that I want to say but I really don't know whether this is the right place, what I want to say is too personal, too much of a secret. Only one person knows, and I'm not quite sure why I told them, I think I trusted them and felt like they understood. I think they did, partly anyway.
I dwell too much on the past, I know I do, and I wish I could stop, but I honestly don't know how. I am so utterly terrified of forgetting. Everyone tells me I am stupid to think that way because I could never ever forget but I don't think they understand. They've seen similar things before, but they didn't see what I saw, no one will ever be able to understand it.

There is something I really need to say, I know people are going to be hurt by it, so I won't say it to them, I'll say it here:

I blame him.

I don't know whether it is his fault, I think some of it is. I don't understand how he could be so blind. It was so obvious, it had happened before, more than once, but he ignored it. I don't think he wanted to accept it was really that bad. Well that was stupid, wasn't it? She needed someone so badly. She needed someone to talk to, but he wasn't there, he distanced himself, so she talked to me.

I'm going to stop there, I can't say anymore.